Martyn

The first contact I had with Martyn was when I bought his place off him for the St Briavels weekend back in September 2003

Thankfully, he changed his mind and that was where we first met.

He stood there with his stunning good looks and blonde 'curtains' and I was gone, my jaw fell open. He was physically perfect to me.

It took a long while after that event to get to know him, he is a very complex guy. He can get incredibly jealous about things he should not be jealous about and is not keen on getting too close to anyone.

What did not help was that I was seeing Nick for the most part that we were getting to know each other and it all got very complicated and messy. It was not great surprise when Martyn told me about a year ago that he wanted no more to do with me or anyone I knew. No surprise but hurt like hell because in Gran Canaria in May-June 2004 I realised just how attached to him I am as a friend.

Having lost Tony I am very sensitive to losing any more of my friends for any reason and will do what ever I can to hold onto them.

I think my recent holiday in Gran Canaria with Martyn taught us both a lot about each other though I think there is probably a whole lot more still to surface. I was able to work out that my own thoughts regarding him going off shagging were not, as I had concluded, because I was jealous of him with other guys but actually much more personal about me. My feeling when he effectively dumped me just a short while into the holiday was of being alone, being deserted and I guess it is a throw back to when I was a kid and all the times I'd be deserted by family in hospital. I think I just have this built in dislike for being on my own unless it is under my terms now. Once we'd sorted that out and I knew when he was going I was fine, found plenty to do and enjoyed myself.

I doubt I shall ever know why Martyn is nervous of emotional attachment and that is probably as it comes so easily to me. I love loads of my mates but am not 'in love' with them. What I mean by 'love' is that I really would be upset if anything bad happened to them. I value my time with them and feel good around them. That's different to just liking someone. I like even more people but I also tend to forget who they are much of the time. Not in a nasty way but I just don't see them as part of my 'family'