My Gay History

I have had several gay relationships and have only had straight sex with one woman called  Kris. It is a long story but the basics are: We got married in 1986, we had four children is quick succession and in June 2000 we separated. I have kept the children with me and Kris has moved into a flat about 3 miles away. The divorce became absolute in April 2001.

I am not making any statement that anyone named below or anywhere on this website is gay or was gay., it is just an accurate account of what happened as part of natural experimentation.

I have known I was gay before I knew what being gay was. Rick Crown in Campbell infants, do you remember what we did in the lesson and how I stood you up for that meeting in the toilets during the break? Sorry about that! I always found boys much more interesting than girls and I don't mean for their intellect! I would always get a certain buzz from going swimming and getting changed (slowly) before and after. As I became more sexually aware I knew exactly what it was that attracted me to men. It was wanting to touch them and be near to them. Whenever I did the you show me and I'll show you game at school it was always with boys ... Adam Moore, do you remember?

Sadly, there were too many guys at school, mainly in the seniors from age 10 to 15 that were hell bent on making my life difficult and painful both physically and, more damaging, mentally. Whilst none of their abuse was anything to do with my sexuality the damage has taken years to overcome. There was a massive lack of confidence, major inferiority and no self worth at all. It was not until I came out and finally said to hell with them and my past that I was able to rebuild my life to the state it is now where I am the total opposite of what I used to be.

Perry Dwight

Daniel Midgley

Gerry Figgins

Ant Letts (I am told that you may have done things that might make you regret the way you hung around with the others)

These were the worst of the bunch with a host more than took over when they had the mind to. Don't get me wrong, I am no longer bitter about what those guys did, they were kids and horrible kids at that. They should have known better, there is no excuse for bullies. Maybe one day they may wish to write to me and explain themselves or apologise, I am more than happy to write good stuff about them too!

I left school in 1979 and started work for Lloyds in London, moved swiftly to another job which was part of Lloyds of London, a really crap insurance company followed then a company dealing with patents where they really extracted the urine out of the details of my contract of employment. I never came out to any of them because of my low self esteem, I couldn't have coped with any more pressure than I already had.

My first real gay encounter was at age 19 with a guy of just 16. we had become friends very quickly and spent all our time together. His name was Neil and he was 6' tall. One day when my parents were on holiday he accidentally trod on the back of my shoe at home. He knocked my shoe off and I chased him round the house determined to accidentally knock off one of his shoes as well. Needless to say we never stopped at shoes! That was probably one of the best two weeks I have ever had. Every chance we got, and there were many, we explored each others bodies. It was pure heaven. Our relationship lasted about two years but we drifted apart and one day he just disappeared, no forwarding address. After Neil left I started dating girls. I never enjoyed their company and did not find them sexually attractive. They did manage to keep the relatives off my back about getting a girlfriend. There were two girls and both relationships fizzled out after a while. I felt certain that I would never settle down with a woman.

I am now in contact with Neil again after many years!

I tried many times to tell my family I was gay but it never happened as there was always one crisis or another going on. At this point I really needed a friend. This is when I met Kris. Initially I wanted to be friends because she got off the train one stop before me and she could wake me up so I did not miss my stop! What happened was that we spoke endlessly about everything and nothing. I never fancied her sexually but I knew that I loved her intensely after just a week! Kris had gone through several really bad relationships and found it easy to talk to me, she said she never felt I was a threat and to be honest she was quite right! I remember one occasion when we were walking in Covent Garden she told me for no apparent reason that she found the idea of homosexuality very attractive. At this point I decided to take the plunge and ask her to marry me! It was actually a couple of hours later that I finally proposed and she said yes.

I should point out that had I not wanted children so desperately I would have most likely never have gone down this road. I didn't use her at all in my opinion though some may disagree, Kris certainly does not think so.

We decided to get married either in September 1987 or earlier if she fell pregnant. We felt that if we were going to have kids (we decided on 3) then we would rather get it all over with fairly quickly. She fell pregnant earlier then we expected and in July 1986 we walked down the aisle with Kris 3 months pregnant with our first child. We actually ended up with 4 kids as for one reason or another, 3 did not feel complete enough. We made the right choice and now have four great kids.

In June 1995 we made friends with a guy called Trent. He was tall and handsome and I fancied him something rotten. It was obvious he was gay and one night we all got very, very drunk and to cut a long story short I ended up in bed with him. 

As for the children…Matthew knows about me and thinks it is really neat and cool. I guess it was because I told him while he was still fairly young and before he had got a chance to be turned anti-gay. It was only late 1997 that he was told and he was 9 at the time. Daisy-Jane also knows and just finds it all quite normal. Both of the other children are in one way or another unable to understand at the moment.

I am now totally out to everyone and have had very few problems and some surprises from people I thought may have been hostile. The only ex school friend I am aware of that it is all unacceptable is one Paul Smith but he is entitled to he opinion no matter how wrong he is.

Kris & I (Kris is short for Kristen) are really good mates. We have had some pretty serious problems but come through them. I have been grateful to all my friends both in person and via the internet for the help and support they have shown both of us.

If you had not already gathered I believe very strongly in being honest and not pretending to be what I am not.

I started a relationship with a lovely guy called Nick between September 1998 and April 1999. It was a real shame that didn't work out, we moved too soon. There were too many pressures on us with me still being married.

From February 2000 until June I had a relationship with Simon ... I really thought it would work but that too was destined for failure.

Kris played quite a large part in my break up with Simon as she did with my relationship with Nick before.

In June of 2000 me and Nick got back together.

The relationship lasted for almost 5 years but our split is planned or 'was' in June 2005. Family pressures and a total lack of support with my eldest and his special needs is what really finished us off.

One of the best ways to deal with this sort of situation is to talk about it with someone else in the same boat as you. If anyone would like to talk to me I will always try to give a fast caring reply.

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